Inner Face

Posted in Uncategorized by gazinafis on January 16, 2010

From the moment we started to understand ourselves, we have woven our dreams onto a broad tapestry of human conditions. The dreams of our society and those of our own are not always the same. Society wants to confine us within the limits of its sense of propriety, to its sense of gender identity. But we want our dreamscapes to be our own, where we will have endless freedom, our own values, free expression of our thoughts and emotions. Like nature shapes the world to its will, we want our own nature to give shape to our world, a world that accepts us without any reservations. We want our existence to be our own. This chasm between the ideals of society and our Utopia tortures our bodies and souls, burns our bridges to the world at large, and perpetuates our estrangement.

How long will it go on like this? We do not exist beyond the boundaries of society; by purging us, will it be building a better version of itself? If that is not so, then let us build bridges that connect us all, bridges that make sure that our dreamscapes no longer remain confined to the realms of our dreams, bridges that let us all coexist in harmony. How much longer do we have to wait before we reach that horizon where our dreams and days unite?

Rana & Amit - I do not want to introduce myself as Rana here. I want to speak as a lover. We met each other in our neighborhood, through our friends. Our relationship is very intimate; it would not wrong to label us husband and wife. We are from different religious backgrounds, but that did not matter. I believe our love is beyond the moral judgments of society, and so we will keep on loving each other, a love that remains undeclared. This attraction I feel towards other men today will always be there. We profoundly experience, and appreciate, every single moment of the relationship we are going through. We have a good life, a pretty life, almost as if it is wrapped up in beautifully colored paper. .

Rana & Amit

Mithu - I live in one of those boarding houses in the city, where I am respected by my peers. I came to Dhaka in hopes of finding a job and to gain some freedom. The job was important then, I needed to provide for my wife and family, and I needed to be able to be myself. I never brought my wife to Dhaka, how could I? If I could understand myself back then like I do now, then I believe nobody would have been able to force me to get married. I know many like me now who have married live the “hard life”. Those who have not married, before they decide, they should consider that matter in its full depth and breadth.

Nihar Bala - I asked my son, my Bishu, to get married and father children, but he says that he won’t. It is up to him to decide. He is not a bad son. He works, has a job. He has done nothing wrong. He not only earns a living for himself, he provides for us as well: food, clothes, shelter, anything we need. I hope he will continue to do so in the future. I ask other mothers to accept their son as they are, to keep them close and love them. I want to see us all live a beautiful life.

Ratul - I discovered myself by becoming completely intimate with a 15 year old male friend. I am Ratul, I always felt extremely attracted towards other men, and it eventually manifested itself through this physical consummation. I could not afford to continue my education after class 10. Since then I have been working a sex worker. I usually work between 12 to 4 am, but not every day. Most of the time the deal is done through a phone call, but sometimes I pick up clients from the park as well. Married, high profiles, doctors, school teachers, students, drivers and laborers, I have experienced all kinds of clients. I keep some of the money I make for myself, some I give to my family to help out, and life goes on.

Rubel - This is a very difficult thing to admit, I don’t really know how to say it; I am a sex worker. With this identity, where can I go to receive medical treatment? I am forced to live a life of sickness and ill-health. I am 13 years old. I earn money as a sex worker and bear the expenses of my family. My mother supplies water to five shops, but that is not enough to provide for the family. I have to do my best to make a living. I will need to arrange my sister’s marriage and send my younger siblings to school.I often get hijacked at night. But I have to keep on doing it. I see no other options. For the last couple of months, I haven’t been well. I eat once a day and I have abdominal pain. It is too much pressure to bear.Today I feel sick and don’t want to go out tonight. I feel sleepy and my entire body hurts.

It was in the month of July 1997. My friend introduced me to a boy. He used to visit my home. Suddenly, I realized his weakness for me. In the beginning, I didn’t feel the same way about him because I didn’t like boys of his age. He was younger than me. We continued seeing each other for 7 months. He did many crazy things for me. Our relationship deepened. We started spending more time in each other’s company and tagged along everywhere together. After a while, his family came to know about our relationship. They put pressure on us. He fled from his home at one point. We started staying at my friend’s house. My salary was only 500 taka per month. We had a rough time. Eventually his family forced him to leave the country and go abroad.
Before leaving he told me, “Royal, wherever I am in the world, I will always love you”.Some people say there is no such thing as same-sex sexuality but that is totally false. Humans are not only born with bodies and organs, they also born with a beautiful mind. We should not forget that fact. We believe Love is not just a matter of sex, it also a matter of the heart. It comes from deep inside.We know our relationship is not recognized by our society. But we love and have accepted one another. We prefer our happiness to the acceptance of society

Mukto - I was in Dubai in 2000 when the validity of my visa expired and I was unemployed. I started working as a sex worker. I received a good amount of money. During the time, I did a medical test. The report was delayed. When I informed the testing centre, they told me that they delayed in giving me the report because I was infected with HIV and I was supposed to be sent to prison. In fear, I went back to the house and stopped communicating with everyone. After three days, police came to my house and took me with them without giving me any time to get ready. I was surprised; none of my friends came forward to help me when I was in jail or came to meet me. I planned to commit suicide. I constantly thought about what I would do when going back to my country. After 15 days in jail, I was put on a plane to Dhaka. When I first arrived, I was depressed. I was not physically well. I told one or two of my family members. They told me that HIV was the reason for my continuous illness. Days passed and all of my family members and some of my neighbors came to know about my HIV status. People began to neglect me, even those who were well acquainted with me before. I didn’t know about condoms and HIV then. Now I know the rules, how to keep well by taking proper treatment. I use condoms now. I take ERB medicine and consult with the doctor when I feel worse. I want everybody to have the same rights in society, to get good treatment and be able to socialize with each other.

Swapon, It’s raining hard outside, the beautiful night beacons me. This mesmerizing atmosphere in the dead of the night is reminding me of you; Roza is very close to me; playing cards with his other friends; I am about to succumb to this opiate sleep; at this moment you must be dreaming in your sleep; dreaming of your most desired person; I feel like going to bed; I want to dream too; the light is on so dreams are not being able to engulf/embrace me. I called you today, you weren’t there, I don’t know how to get in touch with you. I will be busy for a few days. And so I will call to find out about you. I’ve become quite frustrated tutoring Roza; he himself can’t seem to concentrate on his studies; at some point Roza himself will say no to it all. Yesterday, these other thoughts made me upset; I’m fine today; I’m working too hard; I feel weak. I drank a whole flask of tea all by myself; you love tea so I keep remembering you. I will probably fall asleep thinking of you; and maybe you’ll even come to me in my sleep; and then what will happen when I wake up? Wellwisher 20.07.99

Welcome to the new IMPACT online exhibition, a project exploring the internet as a venue for insightful photographic work. In an effort to remind viewers of the important role photographers play around the world, we invited an array of imagemakers to share galleries on their blogs (like this one) that comprise 12 images representing an experience when they had an impact on or were impacted. By clicking on the links below the IMPACT logo, you can move through the exhibition, viewing other galleries by different photographers. You can also click the IMPACT logo to be taken to a post on the liveBooks RESOLVE Blog where you can see an index of all participating photographers. We hope that by linking different photographic visions of our first topic, “Outside Looking In,” we can provide a multifaceted view of the topic as well as the IMPACT individuals can have on the world around us.